4. Transference and Infatuation doctor patient relations

Transference and Infatuation? 

The problem is so common, there’s even a name for it: transference. It’s when a patient confuses gratitude or compassion for love. Some imagine they are falling in love with the doctor. Sometimes others, if there is a physical nature of the encounter, mistake physical contact for sexual overtures.As Valerie Gibson, advice Psychologist for the BBC explains, “It’s not unusual … for some women to fall in love with their doctor. This can especially occur to women who have an interest in health and alternative therapies, which is becoming more common, and if their Doctor is sympathetic and also interested in combining these treatments, they often find this to be most appealing. Maybe he’s the only man who listens to them, shows an interest in their problems and tries to help them. Often these doctors go beyond the normal. Or maybe when a woman’s lonely, or her partner is away, she tends to project her fantasies. In the rare case that a relationship develops, it is usually doomed to failure when the woman realises that it is what the doctor does and his knowledge of the subject that she finds attractive and not the man himself, usually around the 3-9 month period. Often the doctor is older and in reality has no intention of leaving his current life.” Despite Gibson’s reference to women falling in love with their male doctors, the reverse also happens — a male patient can interpret his gratitude toward his female chiropractor as something less professional. Or, he may merely be trying to assert his masculinity by falling into the old “sex games” mode. Transference has always been linked primarily with psychologists and other mental health care providers, but chiropractors are increasingly having to deal with the issue as well. Transference is different to infatuation but is often similar.

Is it Just Infatuation?

So what about infatuation? That’s when you think of someone all the time, you go out of your way to be around him/her, and you begin to centre your priorities around him/her as well, slowly at first but they become more and more important to you to the point you think you are falling in love and what you currently have could not be as good as what could be with this new person. There is history with this person: Maybe a short history, but maybe quite a while. Often this occurs in the Doctor patient relationship, you may even become friends, you both enjoy being together. He/she has counselled you, given you advice, helped you, you have believed in them, you trust them therefore they must be good for you, could you love them you ask yourself. You may daydream about the other and get all crawly in your underwear, and read signals from  the other as wanting something more. But is it love? I mean, you’d hate to be wrong about this kind of thing, especially if you have in mind leaving your current relationship, could the grass really be different with this new person? Often people who become infatuated see similar interests in this new person or are the type of character that always wants to know more and is always looking for more, their current partner not giving them the intellectual information and feedback they think they desire on their chosen subject. The subject of the infatuation seems intelligent and offers hope, but when you take that away that is all it is, hope.

Infatuation as we are defining it here, is a static process characterized by an unrealistic expectation of blissful passion with this new friend who often starts out as a professional part of our life such as the Doctor, Counsellor, or Therapist, they really seem to understand you don’t they! These relationships are unfortunately characterized by a lack of loyalty, lack of commitment, lack of reciprocity, from the other party, often their friendship is mistaken for sexual advances and the infatuated party, usually the patient wants to act on her/his infatuation thinking it may be love. The danger is when the party who is not infatuated acts and uses the other for a short term relationship, which for the medical profession seems to occur reasonably often in Britain.

Men seem to be better, in general, in compartmentalizing their lives, thereby putting thoughts of loved ones aside until the mind is free to dwell on life. And yes, there are many exceptions and many ranges within the genders.

Knowing the Difference?

So how do you know? The question, after time, usually after the infatuated parties’ relationships are ruined actually is simple, the answer, however, is not easy to own or accept. And the answer is usually only obvious after the pain which follows the short high at the start.

Though difficult, evaluating how things are going at regular intervals can help to give some direction (and re-direct misdirection) to people who are self-guided toward happiness and success. For those who are on a negative course, people who are unhappy, confused and perhaps self-sabotaging, regular evaluation can point out some hard truths about oneself, and/or about the person you want to take the next step with.

One must accept that all relationships require work and effort from both sides, it is too easy for one party to look elsewhere when they perceive problems in their current relationship, and women especially can become infatuation victims of their own doing. In the long term, often they find that in hindsight their old relationship did offer them the love they wanted but had not seen it before it was too late.

Determining the Difference

The answers, and the courage to face the facts is the key to making the determination. In infatuation, your gaze, your thoughts and maybe your world revolves around someone. You have blinders on. It seems that all the world pales in comparison to this persons looks, talents, intelligence, creativity, etc. What you might not see by keeping the blinders on, what can be serious flaws in any relationship, are the destructive traits and behaviours that degrade self esteem and cause some pretty negative effects on ones choices and decisions.

Many have had the experience of looking back at some early romance, in middle or high school perhaps, when we were in love with a special teacher, or camp counsellor. It can be easier to see in retrospect, what you weren’t ready to see at the time. Your thoughts of romance were simply an innocent fantasy: An infatuation that felt like love at the time.

Aside from your age, what was it about you that made you make that mistake. Innocence? Loneliness? A longing to grow up, maybe. But those were things going on in your head. In fact, these feelings had little to do with the actual object of your infatuation (crush). It could be that some of those same feelings and needs exist for you today. For woman this is especially common between the ages of 45-55, when they feel they need love before they grow old. Beware of your own vulnerability, and your own desire to get rescued from that solitary life of the unpaired. In my experience woman are far better off to work on their current relationship if their partner is loves and cares for them. When they do this they usually find that they end up with a satisfying and enjoyable life. (note:woman in violent or abusive relationships are of course always looking for a way out and their infatuation may provide this- this is dealt with later in this book).

In time, the faults that you refuse to see will begin to come to the foreground. You may be infatuated with a rich and powerful person, but as you come to know that person on a more intimate basis, the qualities that intrigued you will begin to fade into the background.

In the case of love, your focus is on your special someone, and that someone exists in the real world. Give and take, compromise and cooperation are characteristics of love relationships. Working toward common goals, sharing dreams and values define the dynamics of a good love relationship. People know each other on a separate and private level than the world at large. This is what we should be striving for.

Bringing it Into Reality

Infatuation can even be thought of as love with only 2 dimensions. With love, that third dimension is reality. So, it is actually your ability to tell what is real in a relationship, versus what is imagined. You love being part of a couple, but is this the person you want to be in a couple with?
Trying to differentiate your love interest from your lust interest is requires a level head and the courage to face the unpleasant. It also requires maturity and the ability to take a step back and survey the big picture. The result is more control and confidence as you stride your way in loves direction.